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YOU GOTTA HAVE ART (LAZ'S SONG)

I build these walls, with the hammer of my heart,
I make studio space, set off apart,
A tiny space, in which to perfect my art,
Because you know, you gotta have art.

I build these walls, with the lumber of my imagination,
I make my studio of 2x4s and gyproc its delineation,
Four walls wherein I can contain my own creation,
Because you know, you gotta have art.

The city owns this building, we sub-lease the place,
And here I can escape the human rat race,
And create my works at my own leisure pace,
Because you know, you gotta have art.

I built these walls, with the nails of my feeling,
And oh sure, my mind is fairly reeling,
To have my own studio is so damned appeallinq,
Because you know, you gotta have art.

I paint these walls, with the colour of my emotion,
I will paint them daily, with artistic devotion,
A swirling palette of perpetual locomotion
Because you know, you gotta have art

I true these walls, with the plumb of my creativity,
In here I shall study the infinite space of relativity,
And suspend all my time in artful activity,
Be cause you know, you gotta have art.

I build these walls, this frame of my erection,
And will here make art devoid of all confection,
Art that will pass the most scrutinous inspection,
(Mr. Dyck is nosing around here)
Because you know, you gotta have art

I build these walls and within I may become a hermit,
the concept of my art, this is where i shall firm it,
building on the legacy of Katerina Kasschermitt
Because you know, you gotta have ....  

The Loathsome Mr. Dyck
"A permit"
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YOU BOYS WILL BE MOVING OUT SOON (MR DYCK)

Where is your permit for these walls,
Permission for which the city bylaw calls?
Licenses for dogs and cats,
Routine inspection for brown rats,
And permits to partition halls.

This notice I do affix says "do not occupy",
I hate to do it, I'm really a nice guy,
But bylaws I do abide,
Your landlord has taken you for a ride,
You artists will have to find another place to try.

Could be by the end of March or June,
Could be before the next full moon,
Really matters naught to me,
Just doing my job, you see,
But you boys will be moving out soon.

Don't misunderstand, me, I hasten to add,
Your departure makes me real sad,
By-laws have to be defended,
Or the roof will have to be mended,
And the city doesn't like to throw good money after bad.

Artists studio space allows them to live—in,
Closing you fills me with misgiving,
(I hate to be the one to stick the shiv in)
But the by-law is abundantly clear,  
We can't have you living here,  
So your vacancy by law is clearly a given  

Oh, to be sure, we inspectors turned a blind eye,]
When legitimate tradespeople occupied this sty,
But artists breed like rats,
And sometimes wear funny hats,
So you artists can all fuck off and die.

Yes, I guess you thought this place was a real boon,
Cheap rent was enough to make you swoon, 
But the lease has been broken,
With this notice the city has spoken,
So, I guess you boys will be moving out soon,

Oh I expect you will all whine and squall,
And maybe telephone someone down at city hall,
But property management will back me to the hilt,
We will all come at you, full tilt, 
And our answer to you is still, fuck you all

Sure you can try to get on the news,
And use the damned pinko CBC to air your views,
I frankly don't give a fuck,
I'll just go back and pass the buck,
Because we are the ones turning the screws
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FUCK ALL YOU ARTISTS (MR DYCK)

Fuck you scummy artists, fuck you all,
You can not beat us at city hall,
Back in the good old days,
We had much better ways,
We would put you guys against the wall.

Fuck all you artists, you lowbred scums,
We have a world class city, not grotty slums.
The mayor told us in no uncertain terms,
To rid the city of you maggotty worms,
Get out now, you bunch of ugly bums.
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HEMORRHOIDAL RECTAL TISSUE (LAZ AND GRANVILLE CHORUS)


Mr. Dyck, you are hemorrhoidal rectal tissue,
To you, the paperwork is the burning issue,
But I am an artist, I must create,
In my mind, art is life's distillate.

GC -   Mr. Dyck, you are hemorrhoidal rectal tissue,
       To you, the paperwork is the burning issue,
      But, we are artists, we must create,
      In  our minds, art is life's distillate.

I know your building codes and bylaws well,
Go back to your desk and write your report,
But I say you can go straight to bureau-hell,
My friends and I shall to every means resort.

GC - Mr. Dyck, you are hemorrhoidal rectal tissue.
     TO you, the paper work is the other burning issue,
	
Your bureaucracy does nought but frustrate, 
I'd like to ter you limb for limb,
but, to violence, I do hesitate
Unlike, you, who closes me down on whim!

GC - Mr. Dyck, you are hemorrhoidal rectal tissue,
      To you, the paperwork is the burning issue,

You guys at city hall will close your ranks,
And circle your desks in a way metaphorical,
But we shall be nipping at your flanks,
In a battle long-fought and historical, 

GC - Mr. Dyck, you are hemorrhoidal rectal tissue,
      TO you, the paperwork is the burning issue, 

You go now, and alert the dear Lord Mayor,
He is about to be attacked in his lair, 

ALL
Mr. Dyck, you are hemrrhoidal rectal tissue, 
To you, the paperwork is the burning issue,
But we are artists, we must create,
In our mind, art is life's distillate,
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RED TAPE GAMES (GRANVILLE CHORUS)

plans it seems, must be submitted,
inspected, approved and fees remitted
before a single wall is permitted

There is no hope for artists, here,
cheap space erodes by the year,
as rents head into the stratosphere

oh, protesting does no good,
though you build with the finest wood,
and do all the things you should

the inspector will shut you down
he will toss you out on your crown
and bare conceal a smile behind his frown

there seemed to be some illegality
some undotted i or miscrossed 't,
that brought the loathsome dick to ye

pernaps some awful lumberyard trick,
gyproc too thin or too thick
caught the eye of loathsome dyck
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BUILD ME A CITY, A WORLD CLASS CITY (LORD MAYOR DEVELOPER)

Build me a city, a world class city
Zoning rules,they have great elasticity,
Tear down the old, and throw up the new,
When it gets tatty, we' 11 tear it down too,

Build me a city, a world class city
A concrete and steel and glass city,
Build me towers that reach to the sky,
And lets put plenty of shopping nearby

Build me a city, a wor1d class city,
Fillws qirh cosmopolitan electricity
Build it once, and build it again,
the money will come from deutschmark and yen

Build me a city, a world class city,
One to give our taxpayers great felicity,
Build me a city from the mountains to the beach,
With plenty of shopping within easy reach

Build me a city, a world class city,
Build and rebuild, with exceeding tenacity,
build me a city, show the world our powers,
Build me a city of office-condo-shopping towers,

Build me a city , a world class city,
One without architectural duplicity,
London has the Tube, we have Skytrain
Paris has its Spring, we have the rain

Bui1d me a city, a wor1d class city,
Build it for me with great experticity, 
Rome has its coliseum, we have one too,  
Sidney its Opera Hhouse, we have a zoo

Bui1d me a city, a worId class city,
We'll do it without needless complicity
Leningrad has the winter Palace, but not BC Place.
Where would you rather escape the rat race

Build me a city, a world class city,
we have the know-now, and perspicacity,
Venice has its canals, we have False Creek,
The Acropolis is fine, if you know Greek
Build me a city, a world class city,  
Tear down the old, with exceeding voracity,
LA has its smog, we can do without that,
Rio its Sugarloaf, to us its old hat.
 .Build me a city, a world class city,
I know we can do it, we have the capacity,
Moscow has the Kremlin, Prague had its tanks,
Madrid? Well, we also have Spanish banks

Build me a city, a world class city,
I say we can no it, I speak with veracity,
Berlin, Berlin, Berlin had its wall,
But what other city has Granville Mall

(sotto voce)

Build me a city, a world class city,
Build me a city, a world class city,
Lets raze the old, and raise up the new
Lets show the world just what we can do

Move over, London England, and Paris, France,
Down the lists with you, you've had your chance,
Moscow, New York, Tokyo, Singapore too
Rio, Hong Konk, Sidnay and Kalamazoo
(trailing off as tne doors close for a council meeting)

Build me a city, a world class city,
Build me a city, a world class city
Build me a city, a world class city
Build me a city, ..............
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KICKING ASS IS A GAS! (MR. DYCK AND THE INSPECTORS)

From the city, I am inspector eight
Against no one, do I discriminate,
I Love to kick ass,
Despite sex, race, or class,
But on those artists, I expectorate,

We are the inspectors and we do our jobs quite well,
But it is no picnic, no daycare "show and tell", 
When we find something amiss,
We say, "Humh, what's this?"
Then we put people through a bureaucratic hell

We will knife them in the back, front or side.
It matters not the thickness of their hide.
They will fuss and fume, 
And our ancestry exhume,,
But we destroy all their dreams and pride

We love to kick them in the balls, 
For misjudging the thickness of their walls.
Its not that we are cruel,
Jut damned hard to fool
And we love to smirk at their pratfalls,

Bribe is aword we inspectors a1most never use,
A generous gift we would nearly all refuse,
But cars and shoes cost a lot, 
One always needs the odd ten-spot, 
And plans look better, wrapped around booze

I inspected a building and found a protruding wire,
I closed it due to threat of impending fire,
The builder did send me,
A young woman to attend me,
And I phoned to say no more inspection did he require.

We are the inspector from city hall,
Health, building, plumbing, and electrical,
We keep our eyes peeled,
For infraction cleverly concealed,
Anc then we put the bastards up against the wall.

I know all the nasty little tricks,
Used by all the nasty little pricks,
Who try to beat the code. 
And this fair city's buildings erode, 
Condemning theim is how I get my kicks.

I let them almost nearly sneak it by,
the stop them with a "Do Not Occupy",
I condemn their building, 
For some little thing,
And laugh as they whine and cry.

I'm a health inspector, it says so on my hat,
I found a man once cooking and selling rat,
I shut his cafe down,
And ran him out of town,
I hear he now cooks only dog and cat.  

People always treat us just the same,
They think inspection is just a game,
We do our jobs by the book,
And always take another look,
And condemn the building for one bad window frame.

We follow the code, live by the written rules.
People sometimes take us for such fools,
But we get the one last laugh,
Closing them for some tiny gaffe, 
And then we kick them in the jewels.

I shut down an illegal studio the other day,
Those arty boys I'm sending on their way,
They claimed no wrongdoing,
But they are going to get a screwing,
Because Inspector Dyck always has the last say.

I'm sure their wounds they are a'licking,
Because I gave their asses such a kicking,
But artists are a load of shit,
There aint no denying it,
Those lads are going to get a Dycking,

I don't know about art, but I know what I dislike.
Some long-haired bastard sculpting a bike,
Screwing around with some paradigm,
Allegorizing away his time,
To the granola boys I say, "take a hike."

For us inspectors kicking ass is a gas,
It makes our time at work quickly pass,
closing shops and stores is neat,
It is really guite a treat,
Because you gotta kick a little ass
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WHERE IS MY MONEY / THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL (LAZ AND THE BUREAUCRAT)

Where is my money, that has been promised to me,
I need it now, I need it you see,
I have waited, and waited, and waited for so long
I'm wondering if something has gone wrong.

I have your file on my desk, Mr. Alphonse Lazaresk,

I have been approved by a commitee of your own jurors,
Since then my heart has been in constant furors,

The check is in the mail, there has been no hold up here,
The check is in the mail, the paper work is very clear,
Where your check is I do not know,
We mailed it a day or a week or so ago.

Where is my money, I thought it'd be here by now,
Where is my money, has it been delayed somehow,
I expected it before this, and I really need it soon,
It is the end of March now, soon it will be June.

I'm sure, because I have your file on my desk,
Oh lets, see here, hmmm, Mr. Alveresk
It says here you create byzantine arabesque.

My name is Las, not Lazaresk
And I have one last request,
Tell me, where is my money, I expected it by now,
Where is my money, you bureaucratic cow?

Where is my money, when will it arrive?
To be a starving artist is dandy, but how will I survive,
Where is my money, they awarded it to me,
Now I would like my money to see,

Perhaps you could answer a question for me,
Will my money be here before 1993?

Let me assure you, the paperwork is done,
You will have your money, before 1991.
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WE CAN BEAT CITY HALL, IF WE TRY (LAZ AND VARIOUS ARTISTS)

We can beat city hall, if we try,
We can force the lord mayor developer guy,
To give us a break from rents that are too high,
We can beat city hall, if we try,

I am old, I have no need,
Nor am I imbued with artisitic greed,
And you must recall, indeed,
Your seminal works sprang from my seed

We can beat city hall, if we try,
We can force the lord mayor developer guy,
To give us a break from rents that are too high,
We can beat city hall, if we try,

My oxe has not been gored,
My rent has not soared,
My income has trebled or doubled,
By high rents, I am not troubled

We can beat city hall, if we try,
We can force the lord mayor developer guy,
To give us a break from rents that are too high,
We can beat city hall, if we try,

I who paint and print the edge of the forest,
Why should I join your whining chorus?

We can beat city hall, if we try,
We can force the lord mayor developer guy,
To give us a break from rents that are too high,
We can beat city hall, if we try,

I would like to join you,I realy would
I would like to join you, if I could,
But I'm selling well in Hong Kong and Paris,
I have no need this city to harass

Why call me, I don't go cap in hand,
Don't bother me; fish or cut bait, man.

We can beat city hall, if we try,
We can force the lord mayor developer quy,
To give us a break from rents that are too high,
We can beat city hall, if we try,
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THE PROBLEM MUST BE REPAIRED AND RESOLVED (LAZ AT CITY HALL)

Lord Mayor Developer, we have come to implore,
And beseech,
Do not build another store
At the beach

Lord Mayor Developer, open your heart
And be kind,
Artists need space for our art
For your mind

Lord Mayor Developer, help us with the bylaws
And red tape,
And our art will make the world pause;
Stand agape

Lord Mayor Developer, the problem must be repaired
And resolved,
Or the art community will be impaired,
And dissolved

Lord Mayor Developer, if money is the city's lifeblood
And heart,
Then we supply the city's soul food,
As its art

Lord Mayor Developer, think of what sets a city above,
And apart,
its people and building and setting and love,
For its art

Lord Mayor Developer, we have come to ask for you help
And your time,
Not merely to bitch, to complain, to yelp
And to whine

(tempo change)

Lord Mayor Developer, a great city is built from many little parts,
The great cities all foster their arts,
We only ask for a chance and a hand,
To make this city the best in the land

Lord Mayor Developer, if you can't help us we will go,
And so will the art you won't let us grow,
We will move on away from here,
And all of our art will also dissappear

Lord Mayor Developer, speak to us and address our puzzle,
Don't try to shut us up with a red tape muzzle,
Come out, sir, you will be heard,
Give us the policy, your councils last word
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THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN REFERRED FOR STUDY (LORD MAYOR DEVELOPER)

We are quite aware of your plight,
Why, we debated it just last night,
And, well it seems to us you are quite right,
And we shall redress this greivous slight.

But, it will take time, of course, you know,
These processes can be quite slow,
I wouldn't be surprised if it were a year or so,
Before real progress begins to show. 

(unruly NOISE!) 

But, let me assure you, there is no doubt,
To these offending policies we will give the rout,
And though the procedure will be quite roundabout,
Let me assure you, you will win out (have enough clout)

In some cities, those with money hold the power,
Those few who can afford to build a tower,
But in this fair city, built from wooded bower,
Let me say, the arts here are in full-flower.

I have instructed my council and the planners,
We must remove this red tape, monkey wrench or spanner,
And then we can raise high the banner,
This is the fairest city for 'the arts, today and manana.

But, for now, I must advise you and say,
Rome, of course, was not built in a day,
It will take a long time to make this all O.K.
But my council and I are prepared to join the fray- 

The problem has been referred for study,
I know the solution will be long-fought and bloody,
But I'd like you all to know, I am your buddy,
Not like the old mayor, who was quite a fuddy-duddy.

We will have to fight the senior levels of government,
And of course a lot of money will be spent,
But you will not find me acquiescent,
I will fight those bastards for what is provident.

We have to look at the market and the zoning,
The tax budget will have to take some honing,
Between here and Ottawa there will be much phoning,
But let me assure you, you artists won't take a boning,
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